Damon’s Adventures in Storytelling
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Damon,
This story idea is very interesting. I remember when you mentioned the original idea in class. I’ve re-read the proposal to have a clearer understanding of what you wanted to do with the idea.
In the first pass of the story, the idea is pretty clear. I like the switch of the narrator’s focus, but keeping it in 3rd person still allowed for understanding of the different points of view. There are a few times where it seems a bit choppy, moving from one person’s view to another, and at the beginning, I’m a little confused between Tommy feeling a pain in his tooth and then all the sudden he’s gone. It’s also not explained why he’s choosing to write a check only to Danny. Tommy mentions wondering why Danny hasn’t moved out; but then later Gloria says she wants Danny to live with her…doesn’t he already? Danny mentions later moving from his mother’s house to Gloria’s… it’s not clear who his mother is.
In the second pass, I like the change in media; it feels like children’s picture book, almost. I’m not sure that Slide 15 really makes the point that Tommy has passed away, only that something is upsetting; in future passes, you may want to make this event stand out more. I’m confused about the doctor’s office visit; first it’s too late, but then everyone is very friendly? I really like how the images really do take the place of a lot of the text, and then you use simple language for the remainder. You might want more labeling of your characters–I forgot as I went through who was wearing what color and needed to go back through to refresh my memory.
What kinds of sound/video are you looking at using in the third pass? I think it’d be really interesting to have some music along with the dialogue–something that could set the mood a little more clearly. And it would be pretty cool to have some video of Tommy speaking (like that video mentioned at the end of the story).
Great work so far. Looking forward to seeing the next two passes!
Marisa
Damon, very interesting story… I made the mistake of viewing your Pass 2 prior to Pass 1 – only because the default blog post order is latest on top. That was not the right way to review them for sure! Ideas were much clearer after I read Pass 1 first, then Pass 2, and your proposal.
I read Pass 1 and saw the story perspective from several angles. You did a good job in a short story to portray a lot of information. There were enough family members that I had to spend just a minute back-tracking so I could remember who every character was. I see that your proposal indicates a personal connection to the story line. I could read that, so to speak; it was apparent. I must also ask though, what is the name of your story?
Your idea for Pass 2 was very unique. I definitely allowed me (or caused me) to have to seek “information between the slides”. I actually liked your sketches; I don’t know if you did that on purpose or if that was the only/best way you had to get the images you were seeking. But either way, I liked the simplicity; it allowed the images to not overtake the story. For this reason however, I think the photo of the hospital group was a misaligned image.
I couldn’t help but wonder if the ‘cost’ of the slideshow was more than the story could afford at this point (Pass 2). That is to say, was it too much technology at the expense of the narrative? I dunno, I am just thinking aloud…
I am very intrigued to see what you will be doing for Pass 3 and 4… You have very cool story Damon, and you definitely have me curious….
Your story provided a real-life look at the dynamics that come into play when a key family member dies, leaving a void that has to be filled by another family member. You did a good job in narrating the details of each key event: Tommy’s death, the rush to get Gloria her medication, and Danny’s ambivalence about his new role as his stepmother’s caretaker.
Recommendations: Due to the fact that there are so many characters and you are presenting the story in a TV-like sequence, you might want to set up the story in scenes. Each scene should: (1) introduce the characters that appear in the scene and describe their relationship to Tommy (2) provide a little background information on the characters, and (3) give the location of the scene. Instead of stick figures for the characters, maybe you could locate some clip art to represent each character so they are more relatable and easier to recognize. If you want to use the stick figures, assign each character’s clothing only one color so they are easily identifiable. To promote consistency, the staff at the doctor’s office should also be stick figures (or clip art).
In Pass 3, you could add some quiet background music to convey the theme of each scene. You could add a video of a doctor or other health professional talking about the condition/disease that caused Tommy’s death. It was not clear to me how he died and I think that is an important aspect of the story.
For Pass 4, you could add a link to a website that provides information on the cause of Tommy’s death. There are also chat rooms for people who are grieving, such as http://www.after-death.com/chat/default.htm.
My initial reaction when going through the slide-show in Pass 2, was to wonder why the mixed visual messages? By adding the images you are adding a new layer to be decoded by the viewer. The child-like crayon drawings give the viewer a sense that the narrator is a child and is drawing their own story. The intermixing of black and white photos is confusing with the crayon drawings. It is like you are speaking two more languages in the narrative. At the beginning, when writing as Tommy, the viewer might get lost as to who he is and how old he is because of the drawings. Consider who the focalizer is for the story and what type of imagery fits best with them to tell that story. Would it be better to change imagery depending on whose story is being told?
There is some loss of linearity between slides 15 and 16; I am not sure what happened between them.
Also, the text gets really small, almost too hard to read, when Doris tells her story about Danny.
My initial thoughts were that of confusion. There seems to be a lot going on in this story that perhaps having to reduce the amount of words hurt this project. The use of mixed mediums also added to some of my confusion. I am enjoying the process of this story, but I think that with pass 3 not having to be edited down more will benefit your story. I am looking forward to seeing what path you decide to take with the new pass. I remember reading somewhere that this is or contains personal elements, which can always be difficult and hard to swallow when people get lost in the story. I read pass 1 and your proposal and believe that the idea comes across well there. Good luck on the next pass and look forward to seeing what the new pass brings.